Stay or Leave: How Do You Know What to Do? (2024)

A man I know couldn't decide whether to remain in the relationship he’d been in for the past 12 years. He was terribly conflicted. “If I leave,” he said, “I think I’ll be happier. No more stupid arguments whose turn it is to walk the dog or pick up the mail. But I’ll miss the cuddling, the sex, the shared jokes, the shared knowledge, the closeness. I think I would find someone else eventually, but who knows if the problem’s with me, or with the relationship? If I meet someone else, will I just end up having the same arguments in another twelve years? Will I really be happier?”

His questions were reasonable, thoughtful, and painful, and there were no clear or easy answers to any of them. They reminded me of the book Should You Leave? in which psychiatrist Peter Kramer poses difficult questions for therapists and clients to think about when a client is trying to figure out whether or not to stay in a relationship. While Kramer offers suggestions about how to think about these questions, he doesn’t offer any easy solutions. I think that’s because there simply aren’t any quick or simple ways to decide whether you should stay in a relationship. But I have found over the years that what he says applies to a much larger set of questions that clients and therapists face almost daily.

The question “Should I leave?” comes up around jobs, schools, living situations, business and personal partnerships, locations, organizations, religious groups, gyms and trainers, and, of course, therapy, as well as almost any other part of your life you can think of.

Because I hear these questions so often, in my work and outside of it, I have been looking for a way to think about how someone can find an answer that makes sense to them. As has happened many times in my life, I got help from a non-psychological source. In this case, it was my piano teacher.

When my only child was still in high school, I started taking piano lessons to help me prepare for life in an empty nest. I figured if I already had things in place, it would be easier to deal with the spaces in my days once he was gone. You probably won't be surprised to learn that my teacher was his old piano teacher. I chose her because she was one of the most generous teachers I'd ever met—very different from the rigid woman who had taught me as a child—so I thought I'd have a chance of sticking with it. Of course, the connection to my son wasn't lost on me.

I have stayed with my lessons for more than 15 years. And one of the many things she’s taught me is how to stick with a piece of music even when it's frustrating me, and how to let go of a piece of music when the frustration reaches a certain level. For instance, I'll tell her I've had enough of a particular piece, and she'll say, "OK, but let's play it today and then you can say goodbye to it." And in the course of the lesson, something becomes clearer and I decide to stick with it for a while longer. Other times, I'll think I need to keep working on something, even though I also think I've done all I can with it, and she'll say, "you've really got this one. Do you want to leave it for now and try something else?"

When I once asked her how she knew which way to go, she looked surprised and said she didn’t really know. But after pondering for a few minutes, she said, “I think it’s a little bit of listening to what you’re saying, and how you’re saying it, a little bit of listening to my own gut, and a little bit of knowing each student and how they like to learn. Some people give up too easily, so I push them a little to stick with something. Some people stick with something too long, so they’re not learning anything anymore, and they’re just getting frustrated with themselves and with the music. I guess it also has to do with my goals. I’m not trying to make you into a professional musician. I’m just trying to help you enjoy making music.”

I found myself trying to figure out how to apply this approach to everyday life—like how does it help someone decide whether or not to stay in a job, a living situation, or a relationship?

And I came up with a set of questions you can ask yourself before you decide whether to stay or go.

First, make a list of situations where you’ve had to decide whether to stick with someone or something or move on.

Now ask yourself about each of those situations:

1. Did you leave at an appropriate time?
2. Did you stay too long?
3. Or did you leave too early?

In each situation, assess the reasons for the answer you give. For instance, if you stayed too long, was it because you didn’t want to hurt someone, or to leave someone in the lurch? Was it because you were afraid of doing something new, or of being on your own? Were you afraid of FOMO, of missing out, once you weren’t part of a particular group or agency or school?

If you left too early, was it because you were afraid of getting stuck? Was something hard, or embarrassing, or confusing to you? Do you have trouble admitting that you don’t know something, and therefore is it hard to learn new things? Did you feel criticized, hurt, or angry?

Often, the answer to each of these questions is a combination of things.

Next, look at the situation(s) you left appropriately and ask yourself these questions:

1. What made it appropriate?
2. What did you do that was different from the other situations?
3. Was it that you talked out what you were thinking and feeling, so that you could give the person or job a chance?
4. Did you wait to move on until you had exhausted every option in that situation?

Now see if you can apply those same techniques to your current dilemma. There’s no simple answer here. Leaving and staying can both be difficult. Deciding which you really want to do can be complicated. But you can teach yourself to do what my piano teacher taught me to do: listen carefully to your own feelings and thoughts, and consider how they fit with what you know about yourself and what you know about times you’ve made good and bad decisions in the past.

No decision is ever perfect, so don't expect yourself to come up with a perfect answer. You will probably have difficulties and discomforts either way. Maybe better solutions will come from staying where you are and working to make it better. Maybe you will be more satisfied if you leave and try something new. The goal is not to be perfect. Instead, work on making space for yourself to find pleasure in what you're doing and to keep learning and growing.