What 1 Guy Learned From Wearing Shapewear for a Week (2024)

I'm not a big guy, by any definition of "big." There's no dimension in which I take up a lot of space. You'd probably be happy if I sat down next to you on a packed train or bus, because none of my parts would jut out jaggedly into your personal space. My point is, I don't have much body mass to corral into a shape that would somehow flatter me more than however much I am flattered by default. I'm not a perfect human specimen with 0percent body fat; I just don't think there's much to work with here. Still, I agreed to try some shapewear out for a week, because I legitimately had no concept of how it feels for women to smash themselves into it with any regularity. I wasn't expecting much.

Day 1

The shapewear I was assigned was like extra-long boxers,or some kind of singlet that stops halfway up my chest. I also put boxer-briefs on underneath, because that just felt right and no one explained the shapewear/underwear etiquette to me. The most striking thing about shapewear, when I initially pulled it on, was that it didabsolutely nothing. My love handles could use a bit of control, and I have a bit of belly fat. All it did was tightly accentuate that. I realize I'm supposed to put clothes over the shapewear, but I was surprised byhow lumpy it made me. Maybe it was because I spent that first day in an air-conditioned office, but I didn't really notice any discomfort. It was annoying having to peel it off every time I had to peethough.

Day 2

Actually wearing these on my walk to work was a game-changer in the worst way possible. We're talking hot summer heat and then I decide to throw on an extra, non-breathable layer right over my junk. By the time I got to the subway, it was like I had filled my pants with lava. A woman moved away from me on the subway. It may have been because a seat was available, or it maybe have been because she could hear my dick screaming.

I still didn't look any different.

Day 3

The shapewear kept rolling down my body until I was basically just wearing two pairs of boxers, which is a stupid thing to do in the middle of summer. It's also impossible to fix without a trip to the bathroom. That is, unless you're cool with looking like you're angrily caressing your torso to passersby. Not worth it. I lived with the roll-top shapewear all day, which only accentuated the love handle situation.

Day 4

At this point, I'm convinced shapewear was just designed to make you feel more lithe. I felt like I could Catherine Zeta-Jones my way under a bunch of lasers. If anything, it just gave me a weird sense of confidence. I don't think I looked any different, but I felt thinner, which must count for something. I guess if you're going for one of those after-school-special life lessons, like a "You never needed the shapewear to look beautiful! You were always beautiful, you just didn't know it!" type deal, then maybe these are worth it. Wait, I just looked up how much this stuff costs and f*ck that. I thought they cost,like, $8. The pair I'm wearing runs you about $40, and I'm sure you'd want more than one pair so you don't have to wash them every day like I did due to the aforementioned pantslava.

Day 5

I have completely forgotten the momentary boost in confidence I experienced yesterday. My morning starts with"Don't forget to put these dumb things on." Then I go about my day. I take them off before I go to the gym. Nothing is different.

Day 6

I'm fully convinced shapewear is a stupid waste of money. I've already stretched them out from one week of wear, and no one even complimented my figure.

Day 7

I didn't wear them most of the day because I went swimming at a nearby lake all afternoon. And that's the odd Catch-22 of shapewear: The one time I felt like I could've maybe used a bit of shaping, I couldn't wear them. When I needed it most, my shapewear wasn't there for me.

I ended the week at a weird crossroads in terms of my opinion on shapewear. If I'm being generous, I can understand the appeal of it. Still, I don't think I can endorse it in good conscience. It's a lot, both in terms of money and commitment, for a result that I can't imagine is anything but negligible regardless of your body type. Even those times when I felt like, maybe,just maybe, it was doing its job, it wasn't worth the other eighthours and 58 minutes of sweaty, sealed-in discomfort. Like makeup or Brazilian waxing, it's a lot to ask of someone unless they really want it for themselves.

But that's really the worst thing I can say about it: It's moderately uncomfortable. It's not a torture device. It's not wrapped around your body so tight that it's necrotizing flesh. If people — OK, women — want to wear shapewear and feel like they're proportioned a bit better, if that's really going to give them a big confidence boost, then go for it. But as far as this guy's concerned, it's not worth the trade-off. You'd probably get just as many compliments without it (in my case: still none.)

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