Wishing to move abroad but BAE ain't on board? Lamar and Angela share their thoughts on how to navigate those choppy seas in order to eventually sail away TOGETHER!
Be sure to subscribe to the channel to follow along as they begin their move abroad to Mexico!
What's up everybody, I'm lamar and I'm angela and welcome to lamar and angela? This is our youtube channel for sharing everything of our love, our laughter and our learning.
As we begin our new life in mexico, we're going to share with you our journey from being homeowners here in maryland to living life abroad in mexico.
So if you're interested in seeing uh and being a part of that journey subscribe to our channel below, because we've got lots in store, but today I want to bring some information and just share part of our initial journey in terms of how to get your spouse on board when they're, not on the same page, about moving abroad.
So babe, why don't you tell them a little bit about us as a couple? Um we've been married 18 years gonna get about 20.
We have three children, two dogs, two dollars and um.
We are currently living in southern maryland, uh southern prince george's county um, I'm a I.t professional and I am a avid motorsports fan and rc racer.
Yes, yes and um.
My wife enjoys crafts, she's a ordained elder in the ame church and about to be doctoral candidate, all right because about to graduate so I'm excited about that portion of our life.
So how long would you say that I've been talking about moving abroad and were you do you feel that's an accurate depiction that you weren't initially on board uh? Yes, that would be accurate that I was not on board with that um.
I didn't at the time, feel the the need to so how long since maybe 2009 2010, I guess 2009 um.
I think I think for me.
I flirted with the notion, but it was just a fantasy back in 2009-2010, I think.
For me it really became something that I was serious about.
Um sandy hook, 2012 2012 sandy hook, because ben our young, our son, was in second grade at the time gabrielle was in first and when they shot up the baby's classrooms here in the united states and then didn't do anything about it.
I was like wait a minute, that's a problem, then 2013 was trayvon, martin right and our oldest, it was 13 at the time.
I think, or somewhere around, that time frame um, but she was that age range and I thought whoa.
So I think for me I didn't get like really serious like really including that as a part of our possible life until around that time, but you weren't quite on board.
Why tell me about what that process was well um at the at that time? I didn't see the uh actual need to move that far away or to another country, plus there were some fears for me with regard to moving to an area.
It would be more out of my comfort zone.
I don't like moving too much anyway, however, um as we have been together, we've moved a little bit sure and um each time it gets a little easier.
However, I just didn't really feel motivated to for that.
When we got together, I I'm an itinerant elder in the african methodist episcopal church, so I can be moved at any time, so that was always something that was cool for me.
I was fine with that type of thing, but for you staying in one placement stability, I grew up in the same home, moved there when I was probably what maybe two months old, your mom said not even that I was weeks old, so uh and they lived in that house until they eventually moved out and passed on so um that symbolized stability, home uh memories that were built there of my childhood growing up so and for me we moved around a lot and home, for me was not necessarily the structure, but home was the people, and so that was a different kind of frame of mind.
But when would you say um, oh, but there was also the other issue of our parents, yeah yeah.
That was another sticking point.
Parents were not getting older um.
My mom uh was ill in that time frame, um with some illnesses and she passed on in 2015.
But before that before that um, my mom was well.
My dad was well, his parents were well and because the only grandchildren are with us, we aren't the only ones that have children um.
My mom, my dad.
Her parents, you know, wanted to spend as much time as they you know could, with you know their grandchildren, and so it would not.
Um have been a good thing to do to our parents to deprive them of yeah of their grandchildren um because they were they.
They at the time were getting up in age and um, and I was a late bloomer when it came to getting married and us having kids so um and my siblings.
Don't have it so right that that that's us having the only grandkids was a major factor for us, but by, as you mentioned, your mom passed away in 2015 right um.
I still miss her 2017, my dad passed away right, 2019 my mom passed away and then just 20 20 last year, your daddy passed away.
So was that part of what what happened in 2020? That kind of made? You start looking at things differently.
Well, that kind of released me a little bit because you know that would be.
One of the reasons why I was sticking around the area is to have easy access to my dad.
But then, when he passed on that you know now, I don't have a reason to be here in maryland or in the united states um and then the other thing that started to happen was the the george floyd um trump four years of trump um, the mishandling of covet just a whole host of negative things that were happening politically here in the united states and it just kept building up building up and the trial for george floyd, the tensions behind that um uh, the protests uh kyle rittenhouse and you know, and then recently kyle rittenhouse.
You know not even being convicted, um, just a whole host of negative things that have happened: political politically um, so that brought you to feeling of on yeah a little bit looser and freer well and and and that my enchantment with the united states had had dwindled.
Um didn't feel that it held the majestic.
You know people do kind of look at the american dream.
As you know, one of those things I mean, I I I lost my taste with.
You know the american dream.
I mean I'm not going to go into it, but I mean it's.
You know as far as real estate purchasing things like that yeah, it's just not what they make it out to be so in terms of looking at um a change of mindset.
What would you recommend because there's someone else out there, who's, probably listening, who is in the same boat, not on the same page as their spouse, but you eventually did come around because guys if this has been since he says, 2010 it's 2021.
So it's been a long time that I've been talking about this or you know really wanting to go so.
But what would you say in terms of advice on how to uh get on board um, don't believe what everyone says about a particular country that you're looking to go to do your research um find out the things that that are there, the dues, the don'ts there, the uh, the culture climate.
You know what you like amenities, uh um.
Will it uh cater to your your um? Your happy place.
I think that's a that's an excellent point.
That's an excellent point being clear on what you need in terms of a location, because that was something that we both had to come to terms with and be clear on.
What kind of place would be? Would we be open to laura and I both um work from home in terms of um or would be working from home if we were overseas and would need to have stable, solid internet, stable power? Things like that, so moving to a location where the where the uh power or infrastructure was kind of on sometimes off.
Sometimes that was never gonna cut it.
No one goes so we knew that that would be something that we couldn't have or had a must-have.
It's it's fine! If the that the area has uh a very traditional way about it with regard to its culture, but also have a uh underpinning pinning of uh, modern technology and conveniences right so us being in in the middle of a hut in zimbabwe, was not going to cut it for you, and especially if you're going to be a digital, nomad.
Of course, digital nomads know this that you need.
You know stable internet, you need stable power grid, you don't you can't be offline, for you know half the day and expect to be productive or your employer.
You know being happy with the fact that you're not online, so so another thing that it um besides the infrastructure or the the quality of life I would call it is- was also the cost too.
We were looking at finding a location that was going to bring us more bang for the buck right yeah because it made no sense to move.
We live here outside of the prince outside of washington dc and it's mad expensive here to live, so we didn't see any point in moving unless it was going to bring us a better quality of life um.
What about safety safety? That is something that you need to take in consideration, and also research find out about um how they handle certain things: gun, control, immigration, those kind of things and with regard to just local crime, um things like that and and find out for yourself go visit.
You know, take a trip.
Yeah take a look and see that was important too.
That was something that we did when we went on a trip to mexico just recently.
Um this summer we took the kids and just the atmosphere felt different for us not having to have that um police worry that you would have like you're driving down the road and we've driven in other countries.
Yes, ethiopia, the bahamas, costa rica, we've driven in lots of other places and don't have that same kind of uh, oh type of looking over your shoulder right, exactly right and um, then the other issue that was huge for us in terms of selecting a location that we both could agree on was um for retirement retiring for us involves being able to.
Finally do those things all of the hobbies and things that we love to.
Do he mentioned that I'm a crafter, but he also likes to build rc remote control cars, and so I knew that if we looked at a location, it had to have an rc track.
That was very important, so places that did not have an rc track were completely wiped off the table.
So that was something that we had to come to an agreement or not even come to an agreement, because I knew that this is something that's important to him and that, in order for him to feel comfortable, I needed to make sure that that was there already built into the cake.
The other thing that I looked at in terms of that was the location in terms of weather.
I am not a cold weather girl, not at all um, and I actually would prefer to be on the beach, but because of the locations of some of the rc tracks are not in near the beach in mexico um.
I was willing to make a compromise.
I love that.
I appreciate that welcome babe um.
What else would you say would be something in terms of um a recommendation on the other side, for whichever it could be the either spouse? That's apprehensive is to have patience and understanding understanding where they're coming from and um have conversations, but not be pushy, yeah um yeah cause it was it.
I I understood for you that this was a stretch.
I mean it's a stretch for me too y'all, don't don't get it twisted.
This is a stretch for your girl to move abroad and and live in a completely different culture, completely different language.
It was it's it's a stretch for me as well, but um.
I knew that for him it was more of a stretch and so just being patient with that that whole process to conceive of a notion or something that's bigger than what you typically would do.
I think that you know, like I said, do your research um join some groups, watch videos, uh facebook groups or whatever um watch videos uh that helps yeah.
That helps look at some communities, some facebook communities that are um that have boots on ground there, so that that can help him establish or your spouse establish some connections so that when you move to that new place, you won't be feeling alone that you at least have already started the process of making friends right there, yeah and um.
Then I would also probably say one other thing that is huge for us was that there are certain items that lamar is not going to be able to travel out of this country without right.
I I've curated uh over 20 years of tools for my rc hobby um things like that, and those things are uh irreplaceable right and some of them are homemade.
So those are going to come with me yeah, because the notion of just selling off all his stuff right and starting all over again was going to be way too much right to ask so yeah and it's and it brings me enjoyment.
So it's it's not like it's frivolous or anything like that.
It brings me enjoyment and I'm glad that she understand it um.
I think that uh I remember when we were in a first few years.
She made the comment and she made the comment that she said.
I had a healthy hobby, which it is it's it's fun um.
You know guys get together and have good times, yeah yeah, and I know that when we eventually get to the place of retiring that that is part of what I would imagine our life to look like.
I can imagine him being able to have his rc hobbies and and being able to build his cars and then race them and win trophies and competitions, and things like that and and to just say that we're going to move and you're not going to have access to those types of things that was that would have been fair, yeah um.
No, that would have been um, something that would have been a great disappointment for me right right and so consider bringing some of the creature comforts that uh your spouse has some of the the creature comforts, not um.
You know I the frivolous things like I I enjoy my my coffee on in in this particular fashion, or what have you but um, but you know the things that really make life livable yeah.
So we hope that that was something that can um bless you.
We hope that you too, as as a couple, will find your way and and really sit down and have a heart-to-heart on what the two of you need in terms of making this leap, and we encourage you to make it because I am absolutely so proud of this one right here that he was actually able to um to to stretch and when he said that we can go.
I was he caught me by surprise.
I'm still shocked, but it's a great thing, and so we encourage you to join us as we make this.
This trip we're gonna we're planning what for 2022 2022 the summer of 2022 and we're taking the kids yep our 16 and 15 year old, so they're going to be coming along for this journey as well yeah.
So we encourage you to follow along with the martins and um join us as we do this thing together, y'all yep, any last words babe.
No, no just uh, hang on to your hats, we're we doing it y'all all right! Talk to you guys, see you bye, hey guys, wait, wait! Wait before you go one last piece of advice for how to get your spouse on board if they're, not on the same page oftentimes.
Some of the issues that are keeping them from agreeing to moving overseas has mostly to do with imagination and things that they've cooked up in their head to be bigger issues than they really are so address the elephant in the room, sit down with your spouse and address each of those issues, one by one.
Is it that they're uh worried about? How will we? How can we pay for this? How will we afford this? How what will we do for money, sit down with your spouse and show how the bag can be secured and address each of those financial concerns? Is it that they may not necessarily want to live abroad for the rest of their life, but maybe maybe open to doing a couple years overseas? So that's a whole different scenario.
Instead of having to maybe sell off the house, maybe you guys will rent the house out and then go overseas and enjoy for a for a period of time and then come back and return.
Um is it the issue of friends? I don't have any friends overseas.
Where will I make friends? Lamar already mentioned, join some facebook groups join some other expat communities that and and allow them to be able to make some connections there to be able to not feel alone.
Is it they're concerned about family having no access to their family, maybe consider shortening the distance in terms of how far away you are from the family, maybe not going over to the other side of the world in in thailand or something of that nature, but maybe staying a little closer in that hemisphere and then, lastly, make sure that you sit down together and identify each and every one of those concerns and address them.
Don't just shrug them off address them, one by one make sure that the person is um clear on what their reservations are, so that you can address those reservations, one by one.
We're praying for.
You hope to see you soon, thanks for coming in bye.
Agree on a compromise
If your spouse doesn't want to move despite the probable advantages, consider a compromise – suggest a temporary move. Rent out your current home and move to your chosen city for a certain period of time. Give it about a two-year tryout, for example, and reassess the situation.
You'll want to have an open and honest discussion about your feelings, needs and expectations going into the proposed relocation as well as get your spouses' answers to these things as well. When you discuss, be prepared for uncertainty and fear and show empathy towards your spouse.How do I deal with my partner moving countries? ›
- Take time to reflect. Begin by taking time to reflect on how you are handling the experience of moving abroad thus far. ...
- Take time to connect. ...
- Practice curiosity. ...
- Develop individual interests. ...
- Create comfort. ...
- Practice culture-keeping. ...
- Keep in touch. ...
- Reach for outside support.
- Create your relocation bucket list.
- Explore visa options for each country.
- Decide what you're willing to do to move out of the US.
- Research everything that matters.
- Choose your destination.
- Secure a visa.
- Come up with a contingency plan.
- Get your affairs in order at home.
There's a term for this: walkaway wife syndrome. This term is sometimes used to describe instances where a spouse – often the wife – has felt alone, neglected, and resentful in a deteriorating marriage and decides it's time to end it.What happens if spouse refuses to move out after divorce? ›
You cannot force your partner to move out unless there is a court order granting you exclusive use of the home. This typically occurs during a temporary orders hearing in a divorce process. If you and your partner cannot agree on living arrangements, the judge will make the decision for you.Will moving away save my marriage? ›
You get the chance to have a fresh start.
Moving gives a chance for a reboot in lots of areas. Your marriage is one of them. Sometimes moving gets you away from things that have been harmful for your marriage. A new location means a chance to rebuild what you really want and more easily cut out what you don't.
Research has indicated that making a serious commitment at a young age often leads to divorce. For example, couples who either moved in together or got married at age 18 ended up divorced 60% of the time. However, couples who either moved in together or got married at age 23 only divorced 30% of the time.What percentage of couples stay together after moving in together? ›
Marriage After Living Together
For couples who decide to move in together, just over half of them marry within five years. Within that same time period, 40 percent of couples split up. Roughly 10 percent of them continue to live together without being married.
- Accept your Partner's Social Life. You're not the only person who has courses, exams, and a busy schedule. ...
- Be the person you'd want to be with. ...
- Ignore the haters. ...
- Make time for your friends. ...
- Share your experiences with each other.
- Remind yourself why you moved. Change can be scary, but being an expat is a wonderful opportunity. ...
- Say goodbye to your comfort zone. Stepping outside of your comfort zone is vital when trying to settle in a new place. ...
- Find other expats. ...
- Talk to friends and family at home. ...
- Go on a trip.
Research has even shown that long distance couples tend to have the same or more satisfaction in their relationships than couples who are geographically close, and higher levels of dedication to their relationships and less feelings of being trapped.How do I leave the US and live in another country? ›
You can get a visitor visa (if you want to stay for more than 90 days but don't plan to work), or a work visa. Once in the country, you can then apply for a residency to make your move permanent.What country should I move to from America? ›
Cyprus is a beautiful and highly developed nation with a low cost of living and a comfortable tax system. But there are many more: check our Best countries to move from the USA list. Greece, Cyprus, Andorra, Portugal, the Caribbean and Malta are among the most favourable places for US expats.Why are Americans moving abroad? ›
The report also explains the factors driving this migration. In the words of a university professor interviewed by CNN, “It's often pretty, their money is worth more, they can live in a house or apartment that's really nice and big [and] create a better life.”What does it mean if your partner doesn t want to move in? ›
Maybe your partner just needs to ensure they're getting time to themselves, or maybe they're terrified you'll be turned off if you ever see their secret single behavior. Maybe they can't afford a big move right now, or they'd rather save cohabitation for when you're engaged or married.How do you live in one house when your marriage is over? ›
- 1 Sleep in separate rooms.
- 2 Divide up household chores.
- 3 Separate your finances.
- 4 Create a parenting schedule.
- 5 Set boundaries around family time.
- 6 Talk to your children about the arrangement.
- 7 Discuss how you'll handle social situations.
Talk about the pros of moving
The best way to convince your spouse or partner to move is to talk openly about the move. Be completely honest with each other about your feelings, desires, worries, and fears.
- Identify the issue. What to do when your husband doesn't want you? ...
- Communicate openly. ...
- Work on yourself. ...
- Make time for each other. ...
- Rekindle your romance and be affectionate. ...
- Show interest in his life. ...
- Give him space. ...
- Know your worth.