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“I’m Crazy For Him, But He Lives In Another Country. Am I Screwed?”
I get asked about long-distance relationships every single day.
Everyone has that same problem: “I fell for him, he’s perfect. He’s the only one I want. But he lives in another country! Help!”
It’s a scary moment.
Do you risk all that time on something you don’t know will pay off? Or do you put on your realistic hat and tell yourself it can never work?
In this week’s episode of LOVELife, I talk to a caller who is in a major long-distance dilemma. Instead of rushing into anything crazy, we talk about the absolute KEY questions that have to be answered before you make the leap and have a relationship with a guy who lives far away.
If you’re struggling with this yourself, make sure you check it out!
Follow me on Facebook here - www.facebook.com/coachmatthewhussey
Welcome to love life, everybody.
My name is Matthew Hussey and we have another beautiful, wonderful, sexy caller on the line today.
Are you there hi Matthew I'm here hello? What's your name hi I'm Ellie? How are you Ellie I'm great? Thank you I'm great, how you getting on today, I'm doing pretty well I'm, so excited to talk with you.
I know this is this? Is fantastic I'm excited too? Do you have an exciting question for us? Oh yeah, I have and I.
Guess it's exciting or devastating I! Don't know it's exciting if you solve it, yeah exactly um I need professional help at this point.
I would do my best, okay cool, so this whole year, I've been basically seeming to only attract like completely geographically unavailable Matt, like every guy I've met.
This year has been like in from out of town in on work like totally in and out and most guys, I've been able to like toss out with next week.
Trash like okay, whatever you're like I, can forget about you and then last weekend I met this guy um down in San Diego over the long weekend, and we had like a great time and we spent like two days together, and it was time for me to come back to LA and he was leaving back to London where he lives and I've been like a mess like I am like so head over heels for this guy.
Like can't stop thinking about him like dreaming about him all the time and like losing it.
So what's your question? Okay, so I guess my question is: is it possible and if so, how do you keep somebody interested from over 5,000 miles away halfway across the world? Who you really have only known for 48 hours, but like just have this feeling like I, just like I mean I felt like the room froze I felt like my body froze like when I saw this guy I was just like like the world stopped and that doesn't that never happens like to me ever and so I I don't know, I want to keep him around and I need help and I'm do you know like how do you go about this? Like we've been talking every day since since we met and since he got back and and I'm I need help, what is it is he doing? Does he travel a lot as part of his job, or is he pretty fixed in London? No he's like set in London he's um like an electrical electrical engineer there, and she was only here on like a 10-day holiday with friends, and we like just met out like downtown San Diego.
Okay, so it's not like, he hasn't got more reasons to come to the States and he has a career path.
No, no, not for work now.
Okay, do you have any desire to move to London I mean I'm such a California girl, like I, think I was breathed, but I would definitely like want to go there.
I mean I I, don't think I would move to London, but, like ah I, don't know, I want to be close to him.
So my the reason I'm asking such extreme questions, which yeah and I know that, as you hear them, you'll probably think it's a huge thing for me to ask these things.
But um I like to start these kinds of relationships with some really sobering questions about when I look at it.
What's the reality of the two, even if the two of us both want the same thing.
What's the reality of us both doing this together in the same place and what you're telling me makes that sound, very difficult right off the bat um.
So that concerns me now, that's not to say that you know.
Maybe the two of you have very intense feelings for each other, but that part concerns me greatly, because sometimes we meet someone and when we hit it off and and we find them amazing and we are setting ourselves up for a world of pain and what might be painful now to let go of will be far more painful to let go of six months from now or a year from now so and I say that trust me I say that from experience I, you know, I have dated people on the other side of the world for two-year stint swear.
You know at the end of it when we found finally realized.
Why we're not going to be doing this together forever it.
It was very, very painful and I.
You know no regrets but I you know.
I could have saved myself.
An awful lot of pain had I decided to let somebody go a lot sooner.
So I think that's just something to put on your radar.
It doesn't mean it's gonna change anything.
You do right.
I I know women better than to think that a little bit of logic here or there suddenly gonna change everything but I'm just putting that I'm putting that out there as some caution now.
The other cautionary note I want to add and I'm not again I'm not coming to you as the pessimist, but I just want to make sure that I'm I'm playing devil's advocate for you and then you can afterwards tell me if you think I'm wrong about everything.
I'm the danger when we meet someone for say a weekend, and especially when they're traveling from out of town and then they leave, is that there is the tendency for us to really glorify and romanticize the time that we have had with them.
Now it doesn't mean it wasn't special I'm, not saying it wasn't special and I'm, not saying that you two don't have a great connection, but what might seem like a wonderful special, great connection if someone was say your next-door neighbor is different from what appears to be a wonderful glorious, romantic connection.
When someone is going halfway across the world, there is something always more romantic about the fact that someone is leaving and we now can't get to them, and that does have what human beings do have this natural tendency when someone gets out of reach to really fantasize and create this, this kind of drama from it.
So that's something to keep an eye on, don't glorify it or make it better than it is simply because that person has gone halfway across the world, because I did when you were mentioning that in the last year, I think you said the last year you had just met so many people who were travelling and leaving town, and that seemed to be the only types of people you were meeting I I have to be the skeptic when you say that, because my question would be, does what you feel it? What what you feel with this guy? Is it truly something that cannot be found where you are with someone who is in a situation to be able to actually move that relationship forward? Now, if this guy on the other end of Skype, is talking to you right now and saying we have to find a way, we have to find a way we have to make this work then um, that's something because at least then the two of you are in the same place.
You're both saying the same thing and you're both saying how do we figure this out? I almost feel it I can give you ways to keep this guy interested and I'll.
You know I'll throw out a couple, but it's I I feel like it's borderline, irresponsible for me to to do that, because what I'm worried about is you keeping someone interested that is going to stay attracted to you and therefore keep talking to you because there's a massive attraction but doesn't have the intention of actually moving it forward with you and that's a there's, a big difference between those two things: there's a big difference between massive attraction and massive intention that make sense yeah.
It really does so in terms of in terms of keeping someone interested and the the key is that when they're long distance there's a there, there quickly is a monotony, that's developed.
You end up having very similar conversations each day very often, if we have set working schedules, we end up talking at the same time each day and the the things that tend to tend to create the most problems under the surface are the fact that we can't touch and kiss and hug, and we can't be intimate those things have the biggest.
They create the biggest pressure because they become the elephant in the room.
Two people are away from each other.
They both have needs.
They both want this to happen, but they they're not getting their needs, met all the way.
So the there's a there's a couple of keys here.
One is you need to they interesting through the things you talk about, because you don't have.
Sometimes, when someone is with us and they're, not that interesting, we can still think they're interesting if they're a good kisser, you know I can mean like, if they're a good kisser and they give us a good hug, and you know we like we like touching them it.
They can be interesting just by being there, but when we don't have those crutches, we really do have to be interesting in the things that we say.
So then, then it's really important to talk about the things that are going on in your life and the exciting things that you're up to in your week to be interested, because a big part of being interesting is being interested so really being interested in.
What's going on in his life, he's gonna he's gonna want to talk to you each night if he feels like you're actually invested in what he's up to and what he's doing in his life is: there's nothing quite like going home from work and talking to someone who gets us and have you get him and you understand his life more and you you get to know things in his life.
So you can ask him those personal questions he's going to really look forward to talking to you, because you won't just be a focus of attraction.
You'll be a focus of connection you'll be an actual, a real friend which is really important.
That's that's one thing, but the other thing, of course, is the the opposite side of that, which is, if you're, not careful, you end up becoming more and more friends and you lose the desire because you're, not you, don't, have the the physical touch to generate desire.
So in that sense it's really important that your interactions are peppered with moments that you stress how much you want him that stress how much you need him in the physical sense that are have little moments of cheekiness and playfulness and naughtiness, and you know I'm always.
You know I always have to add a big note of caution here in terms of Skype sex and things like that, because we live in a world where people on you know in the habit of recording things and all sorts of things like that.
So I always think.
There's a I always feel like I need to add a cautionary note to say be careful, but in it, but some form of sexuality, whether it's actually having Skype sex or whether it's simply you know, looking pretty when you, when you jump on skype with him and telling him that he looks gorgeous, and you wish you could grab him right now and you know those little moments where you experience sexuality with him.
It's so important that you continue to experience those because at least then, even though he can't he can't do the things with you that he may want he's experiencing.
His ego as a man is still being um is still Brad expressed and he feels important and he feels like you still.
You still see him as a sexual being there's nothing worse than having a sexual connection with someone and by sexual connection, I'm, not saying you guys have had sex or you have or you haven't.
But what I'm saying is when we have that real sexual attraction with someone, and then we get long distance and all of a sudden, the sexuality lives the situation.
That's when things start to go downhill, so there you've got an increased connection with him, but you've also got an increased desire with him.
Connection is going to be increased by getting him more involved in in the things that going on in your life, but also on showing him that you get his life on a level that other people don't and desire is going to be stoked by making sure that he still feels attractive, and he still feels sexy, even though you guys are apart.
It's so crazy to me that there's like this allure to like unavailable men in this way when it just makes everything this much more difficult to balance, like everything you've told me, makes so much sense, but it just seems like the juggling act of of from executing those and not too much and not too little and like is so hard, and so it makes me question like why we are so into unavailable.
Men well, I think there's a.
There are a number of reasons for that, there's a whole other interesting subject: I mean I, think partly it's to do with our.
We have a kind of scarcity complex, sometimes in our lives, where we don't think there's enough of something, and so when we find it even if it's in the wrong form or the wrong person or the wrong situation, we convince ourselves that there isn't anyone else out there.
That could have that.
You know you.
You may have unknowingly convinced yourself that this great connection you felt with this guy is not available to you anywhere else, which, of course it is, and if you were to hold out and say you know what you could do is say in a very empowering way are.
This has been a great thing, because this has reminded me that it's possible for me to have this kind of a connection with someone and now I just need to go and find it with someone who's actually in a situation that can take it forward.
But how wonderful that I've had this little reminder in life that this kind of connection is available.
So you can, you could actually take that frame of reference, but I think we do it because of a scarcity complex of not thinking.
I think we also do it because we we our our our brains immediately when someone is leaving or when something is leaving us.
It's the toy we can't play with anymore and when someone we can have a toy in our bedroom, our whole lives, and then someone takes it away and we go no I want it, but we haven't, we haven't been playing with it, so it's like whenever something becomes more attractive because it's not there, we must always suspect our motives and be skeptical of them and that's why I started my advice with that, because I really want you to I, don't want you to become a cynic, but I do want you to suspect your motives in this situation and even if it's as beautiful, as you say, it is which it may well be and I still believe you can find it again in someone that is in a suitable situation in life.
Yes, absolutely in your zip code and a bit look, that's an empowering thought.
The fact that you know some people look at that and they're like.
Oh, my god, whoa is me.
I'm found this amazing guy and he's living other people look at it and they're like thank God.
This exists like yeah.
This would be far worse.
If this did, if there's never happened, it would be so much worse.
The fact that it happened means it can happen again and it can and in a much more suitable way next time.
It was like that electrifying feeling that, like I swear, I just have not had in so long and it's like so enlivening and so like, even if I guess in the long run like that's what I take from him, then I would I would, and you know if he, if some bonus happens, where he shows up on your doorstep and says, guess what I'm here now then then, then you can deal with that situation, but right now, I would take the what I think is the real lesson from this, which is what an incredible thing that this can happen in life and and you've been reminded of that now, and there are so many women out there who don't even think that exists anymore because they haven't felt it in so long you're, one of the lucky ones, because you have felt it and you know it exists and that belief system that exists can be the thing that carries you forward now to find it in someone more suitable yeah without so much luggage, mm-hmm, absolutely cool.
Well, thank you for calling in early, it's been a real pleasure and I.
Think I feel like we've done, not just you a favor I think by talking to about this openly.
So many people will have been helped by this.
So I really do appreciate you bringing these things to light totally and you like sound just like him.
So that's also kind of charming, say, look I'm already proving that we're not that rare, exactly look how common we are gosh, we're so common, exactly God we're so easy to come by go find another one.
All right, lovely, take care of yourself all right.
Okay, all right! You, too, bye, bye and by the way, guys call in.
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